The Promise of Purity or Something Like It

Virginity is a touchy subject. A personal subject. People’s stance on virginity can vary depending on their religious beliefs, their own experience, and how they handle societal pressure. Why pressure? Because virginity and the choice to keep it or lose it however fast you want is one of the most peer-pressured decisions a person can make.

Asexuals, like me, feel no or limited sexual attraction to genders. Most of us, but not all, are virgins because we never had the urge to have sex. But asexuals who don’t have sex aren’t necessarily averse to the act. We just have any desire to partake. Angela Chen, an asexual and author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex writes, “I misinterpreted a ‘person who does not experience sexual attraction’ to mean ‘a person who hates sex.’”

The partners asexuals seek might differ from traditional standards. In her book The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality, Julie Sondra Decker says,

“Partner-seeking asexual folks want to find partners who complement them, and finding partners with the right traits and common interests is sometimes more important to them than compatibility in the bedroom.”

In October 2018, the streaming service Hulu spawned their film anthology series, Into the Dark. They’d premiere a new original horror movie every month, and the subject of each film would coincide with that month’s holiday. They started with Halloween and ended their first calendar year with Pure.

Released on September 6, 2019, the holiday at the center of this film was Father/Daughter Day. Pure follows Shay (Jahkara Smith) who attends an annual purity retreat with her father, Kyle (Jim Klock), and half-sister, Jo (McKaley Miller). After the recent passing of Shay’s mother, she’s sent to live with Kyle. On their first night, Jo and her cabin mates invite Shay to take part in a ritual where they attempt to summon Lilith. In Biblical lore, Lilith was the first woman before Eve. Made from clay rather than Adam’s rib, she had far more free will and left Adam, which angered God. She was banished to Hell where she became a demon. Jo loves the story of Lilith as it tells the story of a woman not ashamed to be her true self. But it’s clear that Pastor Seth (Scott Porter) and all the fathers in attendance do not want their daughters to “walk the path of Lilith.”

Not long after the ritual, Shay has visions of Lilith. She also feels the retreat is not what it seems. Girls go missing for days, only to come back looking horrified and subdued. Crucifixes fall off walls and Pastor Seth vomits black gunk. 

In the end, the girls realize Lilith has in fact returned because Shay is not a virgin as she earlier proclaims. When it comes time to sign the purity contract on the last night, she’s unable to do it and tells Kyle the truth. Jo encourages Shay to let Lilith possess her because she “has work to do.” The film culminates with Shay allowing Lilith in and she kills all the men, including Kyle, who earlier admits to Shay that her mother should have had an abortion. 

“One man’s demon is another woman’s angel,” Lilith says through Shay before delivering the death blow. The last shot of the movie is a powerful image. All the daughters, dressed in white, are leaving the burning remains of the retreat. Their faces say it all: they’re finally free from the pressure to be perfect and pure.

The film is a deep look at archaic purity promises and how it’s the girls who need the closest monitoring. In one scene, Jo asks Pastor Seth if boys are meant to be as pure as girls. According to Seth, it’s easier for boys to walk the path of purity than it is for girls, which is why they have this retreat.

Why are girls seen as the weaker gender? The most popular theory is the story of Eve. But what about those of us who aren’t religious? I’m an atheist, an asexual, and a virgin. The first thing people ask when they learn this is, “Are you celibate? Are you waiting for marriage?”

I’m a virgin because I’m asexual and I don’t feel sexual attraction. I’m a virgin because I haven’t had sex. Could I? Of course. Celibacy and abstinence are choices. They are a lack of sexual behavior. Asexuality is a lack of attraction. It’s not a choice.

There’s a 2014 article written by Richa Sharma called “Why is virginity so important in spirituality?” The author explores the various views of virginity through several historical contexts. She writes,

“Throughout history the virgin has always been on a pedestal. In ancient Greek lore, there are many tales that tell of sacrificing a virgin to appease the Gods anger.”

She later states how virgins were greatly prized across several religions. Virgin brides were the ultimate wedding gift because no one else has touched them. Their new husband held a sense of possession over her, having been the only person to bed her. It’s another look into how women have always been viewed as things to own rather than human beings.

Pure takes this idea and runs with it. One girl, for example, reports her calorie intake to her father daily. And he shows immediate frustration when she attempts to stand up for herself. It expresses how emotionally battered these women—-really girls—-are in their never-ending quest to please not only their heavenly Father but their biological father as well.

But virginity also meant power. As Sharma notes in her article, “There was a point when virgins were actually seen as powerful and virginity signified female independence and autonomy more than sexual abstinence.” Rather than teach young girls about the complexity of virginity, they’re told one of two things:

• Have too much sex and you’re a slut.

• Have no sex and you’re a prude or a tease.

“It’s high time to do away with outdated and dangerous notions of virginity,” Sharma writes. “If young women’s only ethical gauge is based on whether they’re chaste, we’re ensuring that they will continue to define themselves by their sexuality.”

Consider the way people talk about Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. Both started their careers at a young age. They were labeled “good girls.” But artists grow. They mature. They experiment with looks and sound. 

Taylor shed her country girl-next-door persona for a more pop/folky vibe, though her wardrobe and concert outfits remained tasteful. Over several months, she had relationships that didn’t work out but that produced hit songs. 

Miley’s trajectory wasn’t much different. She shed her Hannah Montana role to embrace her maturity. She did this by dressing provocatively, coming out as bisexual, and putting herself in sexual positions on stage. Tabloids called her “out of control.” She also had some romantic ups and downs.

It amazes me when I hear people call Taylor “sweet” and Miley “whorish.” The only difference in their trajectories is the way they behaved. 

What the story of these two singers tells us and what the film Pure is also declaring is simple: women’s behavior must be controlled. Without control, they will destroy their reputations, bodies, and purity. We’re either the maiden or the whore. When the truth is, we’re all a bit of both. 

It’s not a woman’s responsibility to maintain her image for the pleasure of those watching. Just like it isn’t an asexual’s place to remind you that being a virgin isn’t a crime. As Julie Sondra Decker writes,

“Pushing someone into unwanted sex and telling them they should like it is abuse.”

I will not apologize for being an unwed, childless virgin. I will not apologize for being me. My virginity, my “purity” is not for you to criticize or control. This horrific notion of controlling women’s minds and bodies hasn’t gone away. It’s happening as much today as it was centuries ago. That, to me, is scarier than telling people I’m a virgin. 

Learn more about asexuality by visiting my Asexual Resources page.